Cravings and seeing with blind eyes.

Everyone knows what a craving is, it is an intense desire of something we do not currently have; for some a craving is food (like chocolate, or pizza), for others a craving is something they wish to possess – like a car, or money. Sometimes cravings can make us frustrated with God; especially if they are left unmet. So why is it good to have unmet desires or cravings? It’s a good thing because we are forced to depend on just Him; when we are always able to fill a need or craving we become self-sufficient which is a good thing, but not when we forget WHO it is who meets all our needs. Without God we wouldn’t have life, we wouldn’t have trivial things like clothes, houses, cars, or money; God is the one who supplies us with what we need to live, but we can’t forget to thank the One who gives us all of these things.

I have several cravings, usually it’s a daily craving of some sort of cursed dairy product (I’m lactose intolerant); but it can range from food, old addictions, or presently a bursary to help pay for tuition – for those of you who are from the U.S. a bursary is the equivalency of a grant (money you don’t have to pay back). Back in first semester of college I applied for a $1000 bursary and my application was denied because they ran out of bursaries, so naturally I was disappointed and upset over that. But God denied me the chance at that bursary because I was forgetting that He is the one who provides, so I went another route; I sent out a good 10 applications to a variety of workplaces – none of which I ever received a call from. So here I am unemployed, in college, and realizing more and more that my college fund is dwindling and because tuition rates are jumping up next year by several hundred dollars I am going to be short on money potentially. So rather than turning to God and praying for provision, I turn and ask Him why He didn’t make this happen for me. So why didn’t God give me these funds at that time? I can’t be sure, but God always has a good reason for doing what He does; there must be some sort of benefit I’m receiving by being denied. God is forcing me to turn to Him and Him alone for my needs, needs that I nor anyone else can fill.

So I’m going about my day constantly obsessing and worrying about this new bursary I applied for; this one is AMAZING, if I get approved and I then complete 200 hours of community service that pays for one semesters tuition which is slowly climbing to $3000, if I complete 400 hours of community service that pays for two semesters tuition. Can you see where I would feel excitement and anxiousness while awaiting the final decision for this? The financial stress it would take of me is so great, this semester I had to decide which textbooks were more important to my learning, so that I could insure that I had enough money left over for next years books. Instead of stretching my money out and sacrificing learning tools I should have turned to God and asked Him for His help. I should have relied on God to provide me with the tools I would need. I was so stuck in my money troubles that I failed to realize what God was saying to me. If I had listened to God and heard what He was telling me to do I would have found out MONTHS sooner that I had a little more money than I realized in my college account, and I hadn’t needed to pick and choose which textbooks mattered more. But because I am so focused on what I don’t have I’m failing to see what great things God has provided for me.

Today I got the results of my MRI that I had done on Friday last week for my wrist; there wasn’t an obvious reason as to why I am still in so much pain when my wrist injury should be healing – it’s almost 3 months since the initial injury. I had been fighting with the doctors, telling them that something wasn’t right, bones are shifting and it’s really painful; my complaints were blown off with the comment that this kind of stuff just fixes itself. Well I got the results today and I have a scapholunate ligament tear, so to put that into terms non-anatomy students understand – it’s a tear in a tissue that holds bones still so they don’t shift and roll around, it is the ligament that holds two bones in the palm of your hand still (near your thumb). Well the treatment for it falls into one of two categories: bracing, and surgery. I’ve been in a brace since February and it is now coming to the end of April, I have been in physiotherapy up until it got too painful to continue a few weeks ago. The progressive worsening is typical of this injury, and will continue to get worse without proper treatment. So since the brace didn’t work, the only other option is surgery… Okay so I FINALLY got the answers I was waiting for, but now I realize all through this time where I should have been healing I wasn’t going to the ultimate Healer God. There are always consequences for our actions, and I’m not necessarily saying this is my consequence for not going to God sooner with my injury, but then again I will never know what could have happened if I turned to Him before this past Sunday. I didn’t trust God to provide healing of my wrist; so now that I’m faced with the likely-hood of surgery I’m scared. What will this mean for my schooling? What will this mean for the bursary if I get it? How is this going to affect me?

I have all these questions but still no answers because guess what, I’ve once again left out the most important piece in all this and that’s God. So on the car ride home from school today I was tearing up and talking to God, telling Him I was scared about the possibility of surgery, but that I just want the very best healing possible in the end. I don’t want my career ruined before I even begin it, I wasn’t 100% positive that I wanted to be a massage therapist when I first started college, but I was more certain about it than any other choice; now that I’m faced with a career ending injury (it causes osteoarthritis if left untreated) I’m realizing just how much I want to be a massage therapist. I can’t envision myself being anything but this. I’m guessing this is where God is sitting in His throne watching me and waiting ever so patiently for me to come running to Him, to rely fully on Him to fix this and heal me. So this is me running to God, I’m running with my fears loaded up in my arms, spilling over, stopping to pick up the ones I dropped along the way. Like the MercyMe song goes “and all of creation sing with me now, lift up your voice and lay your burden down“, I’m laying this burden down at His feet… well I’m working on it, doing my best to let go and let God.

Sin and prayers in the face of death.

So I’m combining last nights reading and this mornings reading because I’m switching from reading the devotional in the evening to the morning. Reasoning for the change is (1) I have usually have at least one and a half hours before any of my classes begin, and (2) I feel like if it’s something about how to live the day, it’s better for me to read it in the morning so I can put it into action.

So last night I was reading about sin, and if what we are doing could be sin. We are all sinners, we are all born into sin, and sin is apart of our daily lives. If we didn’t sin we would be perfect, and to be perfect is to be Jesus; none of us can claim to be Jesus, so therefore we all sin… whether we want to admit it or not. To hate your brother is to commit murder in your heart, to lust after a woman/man is to commit adultery in your heart; this was described to us by my pastor at the church I’m currently attending. So if we sit down and analyze even superficially how we act and what we do day-to-day, I’m sure all of us can find a sin we’ve committed, a commandment we’ve broken.

So I’m going to use yesterday as an example, a combination between my temper, and frustrating comments made by a family member. We as human beings that hate to be accountable or guilty; we make excuses to ourselves and others, we tell ourselves that it’s not all that bad, it’s such a “small” sin. But God considers every sin to be equally as bad, so committing adultery is just as bad in God’s eyes as committing murder. So anyways back to last night, I came home from church and my grandpa asked if I would like to come along with them to a town about an hour away; knowing that drives to other places with them typically take an average of three hours. So with an english proposal project due this week I couldn’t afford to give up those three hours for sight-seeing. My “no thank you, I have a paper due next week” sparked the comment that left me angry inside. Well after several more words exchanged, my temper flaring inside I refused to get myself into trouble by making a snide comment; so I left the room and walked downstairs towards my bedroom. Now I thought I was avoiding sin by being mature and leaving the room without making snide comments back, but that’s where I discovered I’m wrong. Because as I’m walking down the stairs I’m muttering under my breath, letting my anger flow then; so I’m still sinning, a sin is a sin whether or not the person you are sinning towards can hear you. I was sinning in my heart which is just as bad as sinning outwardly. I’ve noticed a habit I have, I sin and I know I’m sinning but I immediately apologize to God and ask for forgiveness and tell myself that it’s not a Godly thought, etc. The only problem with that is that it shows how lightly I take sin, and maybe that’s why I have conflicts in my life; because I think that sometimes it’s okay to sin as long as I apologize and ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t work that way though, I need to start owning up and thinking of sin as something more serious than I do.

Today I was discussing the topic of difficult prayer with someone very close to my heart. I have a young person in my life whom I’ve been in close contact with and helped for many years, and from the time I first met this young person I knew his time was short; his life expectancy is a mere 14 to 15 years. This young boy has occupied a special place in my heart, I admire him greatly; even though he cannot communicate using words he communicates with his eyes and expressions. Now to the topic of difficult prayer, I know this young boy is in a great deal of pain; his eyes say what his voice cannot. I don’t want this little boy to suffer any longer, my prayers have changed for him as I see the changes in his condition. They are no longer directed towards pain relief, but are now focusing on God hurrying up and taking him to his heavenly home with Jesus. That is such a difficult prayer to pray, I mean look at what it means; I’m asking God to take this boy’s life soon. Some people would think that’s a sick and disgusting thing to pray, but when you love someone so deeply you cannot stand to think of them suffering unbearably; not just suffering but not being able to tell someone who are in pain.

So what happens when my prayer comes true, what happens when God acts on my desperate prayers? Guilt… I think so, I think guilt is going to be a major emotion that follows his passing. That’s when the wishing you could take something back and return to a time where things weren’t better, but easier to deal with; on that same note, is it really easier to deal with someones suffering? The “consequences” of praying such a weighted prayer don’t just stop at this boy’s death; the “consequences” extend to myself, and more importantly his family. Because the what-ifs will begin following his death, “what-if he had hung on one more year and they finally discovered a cure?” This list could extend on forever, but does this sweet, innocent little boy really deserve to suffer and hold on one more year for a cure that may never come? Even if a cure was found, it can’t help with the irreversible damage his poor body has suffered; at this point I’ve almost made up my mind, I need to stop thinking of mine and other’s selfish needs and to think solely about HIS needs. He needs to be rid of his crippled and pained body, he needs to experience what it is like to run with Jesus in a body that no longer hurts, he needs to know what it feels like to be “normal” and to eat what we eat; there is just so much more for him in Heaven than here on earth.

I have to push aside my selfish reasons for not saying this prayer and just pray with my whole heart for him. I need to be praying that what ever God’s will is for this boy, whether it be going home to Jesus or a miracle, that with what ever path God takes him down that it’s a pain-free and joyous one. I don’t want to pray for death, and I don’t want to pray for just a miracle; I want to pray for both and leave it to God to decide. It’s not my choice, if it was then this boy would experience the miracle of being healed completely and wake up in a new and healthy, life-filled body; but once again, it’s not my choice… it’s God’s. As I sit here crying writing this out I feel God’s peace coming in and filling me, telling me that He will make the right choice… just trust His decision. It may take several reminders from God to just trust what He has already chosen for this boys life, but I’m going to try.

(part 1 of 2 today)

Many Blessings.

Burning fires and being content.

Last night (or very early this morning) I was laying in bed praying, making an attempt to talk with God. I did the usual thanking for what He had given me but rather than stop there I took it a little further; I thanked God for using yesterdays situation to lite the fire within me but this is no regular campfire this is a bonfire that was lit inside me yesterday, I stopped “praying” and started talking, I told God that I am going to continue to read and do things that will fuel this fire, throw wood on this fire. I’m the one who can keep the fire burning by fueling it with the “wood” but God, He is the one who throws the kerosene on the fire and makes it explode inside you.

I was thinking this morning about what it means to FEEL God within you, and I came to the conclusion that there are so many different ways to feel God within you. What I felt yesterday was God within me without a doubt, I am not like that on my own in difficult situations. But what about day to day? I struggle with knowing whether God is in me or not, there are exceptions but on a regular day to day basis what does it feel like to have God within you? I guess if we ask Him to be inside us burning then I could live everyday like I did yesterday; it would certainly build my relationship with the Lord, but will I honestly have a strong foundation? I think that’s when the hardships come in and we feel a lack of God’s presence in our lives, we have to be the ones to seek God with all our heart and soul and be the one who fuels the fire. Relationships aren’t meant to be one sided; we too have fuel the relationship and work hard to build that fire up.

Most everyone has heard at some time about the “mountaintops and the valleys” in life, and the saying “if God leads you to it, He will bring you through it”; some of us may understand what that means, and then there are others like me who really don’t fully understand the concept of that saying. “All in God’s time”, oh how I’ve despised that term and sometimes I still do. It almost makes me angry to a point when someone tells me “all in God’s time”; why that is I’m really not sure but I know if I ask God I will soon discover the reasoning.

God’s timing seems to play an enormous part in my life right now; I am forever waiting for things to happen all in God’s time. I guess this is where the frustration stems from, I have much in my life where I am waiting for God’s timing. I don’t have much memory of my childhood, and there is a very good reason for that; I may not know the majority of the past but I do know certain things. And it’s these certain things that frustrate me because before I can be completely healed from my past I need to heal in each situation; I need to know the details of my past so I can heal and forgive. Now I’ve begun to see examples of God’s timing with certain memories of my past; memories being corrected, memories returning, etc. When I was reading my devotional book this morning at 12am I read a bible passage that spoke about timing.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven … a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; … a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; … a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

Now I’m one who hates to cry in front of others; there are very few people that I am comfortable crying in front of because I find it embarrassing to do. But God says that there is always a time for those emotions, we are emotional beings… that’s how God created us, to express ourselves. When we don’t (like I very well know) we handle those pent up emotions with negative things, in my life it’s addiction; I know when I say addiction the first thing that typically comes to ones mind is drugs or alcohol. Neither of those is the case for me, I have an addiction or addictions of different forms; I was for several years addicted to cutting because that is the only way I could cry, or express anger. Well now I have no issues expressing anger (usually), and unfortunately I’ve let that get a little bit out of control. But there is a time for all those emotions, God says so Himself – emotions have a purpose or why else would God have created them. Can you imagine life if we all walked around emotionless? It would be like living in a joyless zombie world.

Now for those mountaintops and valleys, well we all know that we all love living on the mountaintop; I mean why not? It’s full of joy, happiness, and everything good; yet we find ourselves unable to truly enjoy the mountaintop life because there’s that thought, the dreadful, happiness destroying thought “this is too good to be true, this can’t last forever, something terrible will happen to ruin this”. Most find the valleys a miserable time to go through, so if we can’t feel enjoyment and happiness on the mountaintop, and we are miserable and discouraged in the valleys where is our happiness in life? It’s no wonder you look around and there are many who are clinically depressed; we are unable to enjoy or find happiness anywhere in our life, and any happiness we do experience is stripped away from us by that terrible thought that it can’t last forever. I myself am guilty of thinking that thought, I don’t think there is one person on earth that hasn’t at one point or another thought the same thing. We aren’t able to be content in the valleys because we are so focused on escaping these “dark times”, but they wouldn’t be so dark and dreary if we actually trusted God. I know there is a bible verse that states to be thankful in all times and trust God always, but I can’t locate it right now. Being thankful in every situation good or bad ties into being content in both the valleys as well as on the mountaintops; but that contentment rides on our ability to trust God and know that He has our best interest at heart. The only problem with that saying “our best interest at heart” is the OUR part, because it really should say something along the lines of this “God best interest for OUR heart”. I’ve been told many times by friends in the church that God has in store for my life, and what God wants for me is so much GREATER, and has so much more VALUE than anything I could have created for myself. I’m finally beginning to see this truth, it all started with yesterday. God had His best interest for MY heart with the passport ordeal, I gained so much more out of that experience than if things went the way I had wanted.

So after reading this, this morning I am going to start changing the way I view the valleys; I will begin to place trust that God will work it out in the end as long as I follow Him. Being content in the valley will be difficult, but if I just place all my trust in God to pull me through I will not only be content but the future mountaintops will be all that more enjoyable and pleasurable.

To kind of wrap this up, I was at this retreat with my youth group a year ago this month and something that was said there still sticks in my mind. “Stick a finger in a power socket, it’s only about 130W; some may cry, or scream, or jump … but just imagine connecting with the Power of God!”

Many Blessings.

Scary but amazing beginning.

Hey there.

After something completely amazing happened today I decided it was necessary to start a blog, following a friend/ classmates example. My blog is titled “becoming free in Him” because the blog is going to be about my struggles and triumphs in my walk with God. Before today my trust and belief in God was dwindling and my praises were becoming sporadic. After this mornings events I feel a change inside me and that is what I’m about to share with you. I also discovered the pleasure of purposefully being kind to others. Just so you understand, I am not normally a kind driver; I will not let you in, I will speed up so you can’t pass me – just not a kind driver. Today was different however, it started off with allowing a line of runners to cross in front of me without making them stop or run around and behind the car; which lead to being nice in other ways while driving that normally I do not do. Anyways back to the real purpose…

Today I was on a mission to find out whether or not my passport was flagged due to (possible) incorrectly filed paperwork. After phoning the border patrol during the week I was told that no information can be given over the phone and that I would just have to make a test run over and attempt at a border crossing into the United States. I was feeling anxious and like something bad was going to happen during this attempt the days following that phone call until yesterday however. This may seem an odd connection to you but I took this next event as a positive sign from God. On Friday God made a way for me to cross the bridge near where I am residing, He gave me the time I needed but didn’t have before. Originally this Saturday was meant to be spent getting my trial pair of contacts fitted, but yesterday (Friday) the optical place called and informed me they were too busy to fit me for my trial pair, BAM time slot opening courtesy of the one and only God. So this new sudden availability gave me a more positive and less anxiety filled feeling about attempting a border cross.

I stopped at Timmie’s to grab a muffin so that I could break a twenty for toll change, and have something to snack on in case of a long crossing time. As I’m sitting in the “grandma-mobile” waiting my turn to have my passport scanned by the border patrol there is a group of patrol officers walking their drug sniffing dog around; first time I’ve seen them take the dog around in I don’t know how many total border crossings. Well I get to be the second person in line for my row and all of a sudden the whole process is shut down and cones are placed to block people from pulling up because off to my left in the Nexus line a car is stopped and people are told to get out of the car and put their hands in the air. At this point all nice, happy, warm, anxiety-free feelings evaporated. In my head I’m talking to myself saying “you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t let someone else’s situation scare you”, yeah right, this is making me worried because now border patrol will be even more on guard but still I have done nothing wrong.

Finally it’s my turn, I take a deep breath, ask God for peace and for His will to be done in this, and drive slowly to the border patrol officer waiting in the booth. As I hand the patrol officer my passport I answer his question of why I am crossing today; which is to find out if I’m flagged or not. So as I continue to answer this patrol officers questions about why I might be flagged he scans my passport and sure enough I’m flagged. I could feel sadness and dismay rising up inside me, but that’s when God took over and calmed my heart. I have to say there are some exceptional border patrol officers working at this bridge. He kept conversation light with me, smiled, was kind, asked how I say my last name which then brought on stories of how he too was made fun of in school for his. Between this kind border patrol officer and God in me I was able to stay calm, and the only shaking was from having my window rolled down and the dreadful cold getting to me.

Another patrol officer walked over and escorted me and the car to park at the building where they deal with this kind of stuff. I’m walked back to a room behind the desks; now I begin to feel like a criminal, but remind myself once again that I did nothing wrong. I sit on a bench in front of a desk where another border patrol officer is prepared to “deal with me”. Another deep breath, and another prayer asking for God to take a hold of me. I answer the questions asked of me, I explain my situation, and above all I tell them the whole truth with details that may or may not have been necessary; but being completely forward could only help me out so I had nothing to lose. I explained how I was advised last year at the border when I filed my paper work to check on the status of my passport because they have never filed this kind of paper work there before and it may or may not be accepted.

I’m sitting there while they go through the system and try to back up the information I just gave them, so I stare out the window and talk to my God. I thank Him because without Him in me at that very moment, without His interference (for lack of a better word) I would be sitting there shaking and crying. I’m not that calm under stressful situations, but today was different because for the first time in a very long time I opened my heart to receive what God was offering me. After looking up my number in their system they discovered that I had in fact followed exactly what I was asked to do when coming back into Canada from an extended stay in the U.S. A big sigh of relief, it was on the record that I followed instructions THANK YOU GOD! So following this great bit of news, even better news came that today I could actually cross and in the future I can too! I was given suggestions on information to bring with me for any future crossings to prove my residency in Canada. I was also informed that for the next few crossings I try to make this may happen again, needing to come in and prove residency; but hey I will take this over nothing at all any old day. After all this I was walked back to the “grandma-mobile” and was walked over to the gate so I could cross back directly into Canada.

As I’m driving back over the bridge and crossing into my home country again I cannot stop saying “thank you God, thank you, thank you, thank you for handling this”. I crossed back into Canada without an issue, the first tears came as I was driving down the small stretch of highway before I got off on the main street in town. It was just the most amazing feeling ever right then, I thanked God over and over. I talked to God about what just happened, told Him I understand why He did things the way He did there. After all if my passport wasn’t flagged and I just passed right on through I wouldn’t have relied so heavily on God to be my strength and my provider through this like I had today.

While I was driving through town I decided to stop at the Christian bookstore and invest some money into two books; at the time I didn’t know which books or what kind of books. The books visually aren’t worth the price I paid for them, most would consider them an absolute rip-off. Despite my financial struggles I purchased both devotionals because upon flipping through them I came across several issues I struggle with daily. The devotional books are titled “Trust” and “Contentment”, pretty self-explanatory but I took a peek at the contents before making my final decision. I came across the heading “Control Freaks”; for anyone who doesn’t know me on a personal level doesn’t know it, but I am an absolute control freak with a variety of things. Each devotional book had some header in the contents that said in my heart I needed to invest the money in them. So I will be reading them for the next little while and hopefully they will help continue to feed this newly formed relationship with God.

Many blessings.